Love

September 25, 2010 at 10:06 am (Relationships)
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Sparky was a cockatiel I owned from the age of 9 to 13. She was hand-reared, and incredibly friendly. I have never bonded with another animal quite like I did with her. At a difficult period in my life she was my best friend.

She had to be put down after she developed breathing difficulties after falling into a sink full of water one day. I found out after coming home from school and I never got the chance to say goodbye.

Last night I dreamt she was alive, but dying from old age, and I couldn’t stay with her until she died because I had to go to work. Even now, several hours after waking, just thinking about it makes me cry.

A mere animal, a decade passed still has the ability to make me dissolve into tears.

Love kind of sucks sometimes.

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Feedback Loop

September 6, 2010 at 10:19 pm (Rants, Relationships)
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So I went to Muse on Saturday, and the concert was wonderful. Muse rocked, and I even had a nice surprise as one of the support bands was The Editors, one of my other favourite bands.

But.

Getting home was a nightmare.

It was dark, we were miles away from the train station, I didn’t know where we were, there were no taxis, and after the panic of getting to the last train on time came the news that it didn’t exist, that it was a coach. It was not good for me and stuck my brain somewhat.

One of the symptoms of my problem is that my brain can get caught on something and instead of letting go of it like a normal person’s would, it holds on and circulates it and takes my emotional reaction and inflates it to enormity. This is inevitably always a negative one, panic, fear, paranoia, worry, hurt, inadequacy, all have been there at some point, sometimes in combination, sometimes all at once.

The worst part is that usually there’s a teeny part of me sat in the back of my brain going ‘FUCKING STOP IT YOU IDIOT LET IT GO IT’S NOT AN ISSUE LET IT FUCKING GO ;-;’

My mood on Sunday, then, spiraled massively out of my control. It culiminated in me responding incredibly harshly to my boyfriend and boy do I feel terrible. I’ve apologised and he’s cool, but god, I’ve worked so hard at this and none of my coping mechanisms worked and this is not the way I wanted him to be exposed to my personal brand of crazy.

Hopefully writing this will help me stop dwelling on it, anyway. The last thing I need right now is to be dwelling on something.

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Word Inadequacy

August 29, 2010 at 11:13 pm (Rants, Relationships)
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It’s pretty well known that I sometimes have problems verbalising myself. It’s like there’s a big dictionary in my head with half the words whited out, definitions included. It’s super annoying to me and absolutely hilarious to the people who get to watch me struggle to find the words. Fun fact: I manage to completely forget the name of the Winter Gardens on a semi regular basis. I try to explain it as ‘that big white place where some things happen and it sort of has a dome’. Way to go, self.

I’m at that stage in my relationship where I could just talk about him all day if allowed, except, well, I couldn’t. I just can’t say what I want to because it just escapes my mind. I search around and it’s not there and its super frustrating because I want to share goddamnit. It’s just as well, really, it’s not like anyone wants to hear anyway, lol.

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Chance

August 10, 2010 at 12:49 am (Relationships)
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I think a lot about chance and the small coincidences that seem to make up my life. Especially when it comes down to meeting people and becoming friends. It seems like most of the people I know have a path of coincidences so unlikely that it seems almost weird that we know each other.

For example, my friend Frazzle. I used to be a member of a Nintendo forum, put onto it by my then boyfriend, the people were cool and the conversations were fun so I stayed for a while. At one point there was a ‘pictures of yourself’ thread and I trusted those people so I posted a picture of me. Frazzle pops up and goes “hey, I think I’ve walked down that street!”. I of course shrug it off because, well, a street’s a street. But it turns out we live in the same town. So we meet and the rest is history, as they say. What are the chances of two unrelated people on a mid-sized forum living in the same place? Not high, I’d wager.

And I have countless stories like this. I wouldn’t be dating the boy I am had I not recklessly agreed to go to the tache for the first time after our staff do thing despite having a 9-hour day the next morning. But I did, got separated from my friends for a bit and he recognised me as ‘Gamestation girl!’, and gave me the guts to go to where he works for lunch the next day and actually talk to that cute guy who’s serving.

Or how about the friend who decided to come into Gamestation on his day-holiday to pick up a console to play multiplayer with his cousin on one of the few days I was a shop floor person.

Or that one single time on that dating site where I replied to someone from America and they turned into one of my closest and dearest friends.

I’m not really sure where I’m going with this, really. Or why I even think about this because, well, it’s the past and you can’t change what’s already happened. Perhaps it’s a case of wondering how many near-misses I’ve had, and how many coincidences I’ll have in the future.

Who knows.

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Adulthood

July 1, 2010 at 7:49 pm (Relationships)
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I am apparently now at that stage of my life where everyone I know starts settling down. One friend is getting married at the end of this month, another just announced his engagement and  forthcoming child, and another is trying to convince his girlfriend to get a place with him. All this lovey-dovey commitmentness has me a little antsy.

I have every happiness in the world for them, and I am more than a little jealous that they’ve found a person who is right for them. But jesus. I am only 21. I am not ready for my friends to settle down. My friends settling down leaves me as the singleton, the one they feel sorry for and try to set up with disasterous results (according to TV, anyway), the one who doesn’t have anyone to hang out with because their friends have to spend time with the SO and/or it isn’t appropriate any more (because almost all of my friends are male and don’t you know it’s very weird to be close to someone of the opposite gender without sexual attraction). I am way too young to become that girl.

There is also the whole maybe I’m a little lonely and I wish I could have that. But even if I had someone to have that with, I am not a healthy enough person to engage in an actual relationship with. Which sucks.

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When loops are thrown

June 13, 2010 at 3:31 pm (Relationships)
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Twice in the past month or so I have been massively thrown for a loop about my love life (or there lack of hur hur).

Once was that the guy I had a pretty big girl-boner for in college had a real one for me and that it would’ve happened if we hadn’t been idiots. Which would probably have changed my life utterly; I’d have never dated who I did, so I wouldn’t have had to deal with what I had to. Which means I’d probably be a somewhat different person today.

Twice is that the guy I dated briefly at the beginning of the year is still very attracted to me and he broke it off with me because of issues of his own that he never told me about. I’ve spent the past three or so months assuming that nothing was ever going to happen again, not even entertaining the thought because damnit I am more drawn to this guy than anyone ever and rejection fucking sucks. But he does like me and I don’t even know what to do with this information because I’m not ready for a relationship either, neither do I want to be hurt again.

Sometimes I think I should just be asexual because that would be SO MUCH EASIER. But I guess the feeling of being loop-thrown will pass.

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